All my life I have talked trash to the devil. F you Satan. I would blurt out in a fit of rageful resentment. I ascribed blame to the goathead. Making that choice allowed me to avoid the internal agony buried deep within myself by excluding myself.
I did not want to deal with the painful scars of my sufferings which were a direct result of my personal choices, including those sufferings that arrived onto me that I had no say so in what-so -ever that led me to resent God even dismissing His existence. These were extremely difficult because my choices werent involved, so I perceived them as unfair and therefore I naturally gravitated to blaming the one who is in control and in fact did have a say so, and when that didn’t work, I dismissed God all together. How can God hurt me if I don’t believe in Him, I reasoned. That will teach him to mess with me! Examples such as being being born an orphan or a boy, or without a limb, or being born gay, or perhaps a serious illness, even superficial shenanigans like being born poor, or not being born with colored eyes. All these arrive without a say so and cause pain. Undeserved pain on top of the painfully deserving ones. Thank the Devil we have him to blame! If it were not for him then I would actually have to confront the truth. Devil no! I much rather ignore the truth by aiding and abetting the culprit so that he can evade apprehension. There he goes! Get Him! But I have no real desire of seeing him arrested and charged. Because if he does get arrested then that means I get arrested. And if I get arrested then how in the world am I supposed to carry on with my life and doing all the things I take great pleasure in? I need someone else to blame, don’t you understand?!! I don’t have the time to deal with a long drawn out trial. I have to work. I have bills to pay. Mouths to feed.
So I continued to do anything and everything to keep the devil from getting caught. I hid him inside myself and from my ability to recognize himself from myself. We became one. Perfect.
Onward! They aint never gonna find him now. Amen o maybe Omen.
Today, I still curse the devil because some habits die hard. But, and that’s a Mount Everest size but, I now understand the real devil is me.
Now I am empowered instead of powerless. In order to fight the enemy you have to be able to see the enemy. Whether they are tangible or intangible. When I would point my finger and blame the one named Satan, that meant I was powerless to resist him since it was his fault I decided to do what I did because he tempted me. But if that is true that I fell or caved in because he tempted me then it means it doesn’t matter what I wanted to do or not at the moment I was tempted to do wrong, it means I had no choice the moment I was tempted.
That was true for one reason. Because I chose to blame someone else. By blaming someone else it renders us innocent. It also renders us powerless. How can I do anything about it, if I am innocent and have nothing to do with the blame?
It is a LIE. One of our favorite ones to believe in. It allows us to continue doing what we love best.
If someone places a strawberry cheesecake on my table that’s all it will ever be- a strawberry cheesecake. I am the one who decides to label it as I walk by it. Delicious. I need it. I love strawberry cheesecake, it taste so freaking good. Ugh, I cant stand the sight of any cheesecake one time I ate so much I threw up for three hours. Cheesecake smeishcake who cares! No How I feel toward the Cheesecake determines the intensity of the degree of pull toward it or away from it, or completely ignoring it. So then the only reason I would ever decide to try a piece is because I wanted to. My girlfriend shows up carrying on and on about how extraordinary it taste but I could really care less but to appease her I give it a go. I chose to because I wanted to. Temptation exist because we want it to. It hides within us by reflecting onto things outside of us and by doing so we can never rid ourselves of it.
Once I realized this I began to taste delicious slices of victory pie. I did not realize this on my own merit or intellect nor powers, it was by God’s grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness that responded to my continuous humble pursuit of Truth. God is Truth. He responded because I continued searching for Him even when I could not hear a reply, nor feel one, and I felt dead inside. But I wasn’t completely dead because the innate qualities of God within me pushed me to continue searching for God. I recognized that my inability to hear and feel his presence was because I chose not to listen and heed his counsel. I deliberately did what he said not to.
Think for a moment if it were possible to kill God, or wipe away his existence, would those pursue God stop because they didn’t hear him anymore or feel him? I myself would not. That’s the moment when everything God has ever taught you kicks in even harder. It does so to honor his memory, like one would honor their earthly father or mother. The number one reason we continue is because we love. Love for the good. Love for God and everything that he is and all that he is not, to never want to be God, and always want to serve God.
No matter where you are, what situation, nor the amount of pain you feel or pain you don’t feel because you have become dead and numb, no matter what treacherous things you have committed or people you didn’t defend and should have, no matter the matter, remember this and always carry it with you:
Matthew 7:7
“Keep on searching and you will find, keep on asking and it will be given, keep on knocking at the door to truth will opened. ”
The Words of Truth Himself. Christ Jesus.
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