What I learned today is, God can not trust me as I would like to think he can. I lack discipline. I lack commitment. I love lying to myself about certain things. I’ll reason with myself your not doing this particular action so then it’s not so bad as long as your not crossing that specific line. Flat lie. I lack honesty. I’m working to change all these things.
I know that although I feel the Lord has been calling me for a long time to help in the good work, how do I fully expect him to open certain doors when I’ve proven time and time again I’m a man who lacks commitment, honesty, and discipline. Would I entrust a man certain important responsibilities who I knew lacked these key qualities?
I remember once a few years ago I had been praying to God and when doing so the same reoccurring impression would surface. I had been petitioning God over a few months to please provide me more responsibility, to open up the flood gates and show me what it is I could do to help. In my mind I would imagine teaching others, maybe speaking at a local church, maybe running some type of business with Christian values, but the impression that kept arising as soon as I would start praying was- Go wash your Mom’s car. I would immediately disregard as my own interfering thoughts. A couple of days would pass and I would again come before God and begin emphatically requesting more responsibility, and once again the same impression- Go wash your Mom’s car. Another quick disregard was in order. About four or five days passed and there I was praying before God and immediately before I was even done asking for him to open up the doors, again – Go wash your Mom’s car. At that point I became angry. Almost to the point of blurting out some expletives. Why the heck do I keep on thinking this when I’m over here asking God to help me create a business or help me teach and lead others? I was exasperated. This washing the car idea is not only minimal its just me. After I was done praying and gathering myself from being angry I walked into the living room and noticed my Mom was gathering some things about to leave.
“Where you going Mom? ” I asked.
“To wash my car.” she said.
All I could do was laugh within myself. I knew I had just been taught a lesson. Now the impression was this- Son, you ask me for more responsibility, you want more yet I can’t even trust you in the small things. I can’t even rely upon you when asked to go wash your Mom’s car, yet you want me to open up the flood gates to these big and greater things? God made a great point. And he was absolutely right. Yet years have passed and I’m still trying to learn how to apply it.
So, here I am today a few years later, still working on honesty, commitment, and discipline. If you can identify with this don’t be discouraged. We all don’t get it overnight. Some of us are super stubborn. Some of us love repeating the same cycle over and over again. We say we want all these great and glorious things yet we fail to make the necessary changes to achieve them. We fail to listen to God in the small things.
I’m trying to change. I’m trying to instill discipline in my daily life now. I’m starting first and foremost with being honest with myself. I need to immediately recognize when I try to sabotage my own progress by lying to myself. Especially when I draw a specific line and then tell myself its okay as long as you don’t cross that line. Lies. If I get too close to crossing that line, chances are I’ll cross it. A great tool I recently learned is outlining my principals. For years I would reason I have the will power to do this or that. And its true, I do and we all do. What has helped me recently is outlining my principals such as being honest, being committed and being disciplined. Once having all the principals outlined, on a daily basis evaluating and asking, is my will in harmony with my principals. I’ve learned that when left alone with just my free will, my free will may be strong enough to accomplish anything but it tends to deviate from the coarse I’ve set. Outlining my principals is a good method of ensuring daily that my will is harmony with these principals. Doing this daily is tantamount. As soon as I deviated for three days, guess what.. my will was off coarse again. That’s where discipline comes in. Having the discipline to being committed enough to follow through each and every day in both the small and bigger things. Brighter days are ahead. I’m finally having really positive visualizations about my future. I see the house with the awesome loving family and kids, when before I couldn’t see anything, except death.
“May God grant us all the courage and strength to continue developing our character to completeness. To stop lying to ourselves. And to be committed and be disciplined in all things. ”